No Light
by sheepish123
Summary: Amanda doesn't return from the courthouse with Fin and Nick after Deputy Chief Patton's trial, so a very concerned Olivia goes out to look for her. Takes place right after "Forgiving Rollins". Very dark. Major trigger warnings inside. Two-shot. Olivia/Amanda friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**I've had this idea for quite a long time now, and even though I've done other fics that are a continuation of the episode "Forgiving Rollins", I decided to do another one. This story takes place at the end of that episode, when Amanda, Fin and Nick come out of the courthouse but Amanda doesn't get in the car with them because she says she's going to get some fresh air.**

 ** _MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS: This story deals with suicidal ideation and there are also mentions of rape, so please keep this in mind before continuing to read_. **

**I am hard at work on my other fics and trying to get another update posted this weekend, but I seem to keep bouncing back and forth from story to story and I'm having some trouble settling on just one of them to work on.**

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" _No light, no light_

 _In your bright blue eyes_

 _I never knew daylight could be so violent_

 _A revelation in the light of day_

 _You can't choose what stays and what fades away_

 _And I'd do anything to make you stay_

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"Where is Rollins?"

Those are the first words out of Olivia's mouth as she stands in the open doorway of her office and watches only two of her three detectives return to the squad room after witnessing Deputy Chief Charles Patton plead guilty to sexual abuse in the third degree at the courthouse that morning. She had been unable to attend, even though she had wanted to be there to show her support for both Amanda and Reese Taymor, and regrets that work has had to come first; the never-ending chaos that is life as a sergeant in the Special Victims Unit usually having to take priority over everything else.

"Rollins said she wanted to get some fresh air," Fin informs her as he strides over to his desk and slings his winter jacket over the back of the chair before slumping down into his seat, the older man looking tired and weary with all that has transpired since Patton had come to town.

"So she's just outside, then?" Olivia inquires with one eyebrow arched, head tilted toward the door and expecting to see Amanda walking inside at any second.

"No, we left her at the courthouse," Nick explains as he strides right over to the coffee machine, but Olivia can hear the note of concern in his voice and can also see it written blatantly across Fin's face, her longtime friend's expression usually neutral when it comes to these kinds of situations. "She's just taking a walk, Liv. Probably needed some time to clear her head. I'm sure she'll be back soon. And we were talking about her taking some time off."

"Well, that time off hasn't yet just started," Olivia snaps back with no small amount of annoyance in her voice, trying to push down that hint of trepidation she feels at Amanda's current absence from the precinct. "She's still on the clock until the end of the day. We're drowning in cases here."

"Well, what were we supposed to do, Liv? Hit her over the head and drag her back to the car with us?" Fin replies with a roll of his eyes, his hands raised in the air as if in surrender. "She needed some time alone, okay? Things have been pretty rough for her lately."

"I know that, Fin," Olivia responds, lowering her voice into a softer tone as she continues to speak and feeling a stab of guilt at how harshly she has been coming across. "But she can take all the time she needs when her vacation starts. Right now I need her here, especially since she's going to be off for the next few weeks. We need all the help we can get at the moment."

"I'll call her cell," Nick offers, holding up the phone on this desk. "You know Rollins tends to lose track of the time. I'll let her know that you want her back here right away."

"No, it's okay, I'll do it," Olivia sighs in frustration as she pivots on her heel to march back into her office, overcome with the usual mixture of irritation and worry when it comes to her detective, along with something else; something that has simmered far below the surface of her thoughts and feelings ever since that day a few years ago when Amanda had confessed to her that something had happened on the job back in Atlanta, Olivia wanting to provide care and comfort and protect the younger woman from harm. Somehow those good intentions had fallen by the wayside and were buried beneath mounds of stress and tension between them, as well as horrific personal events that she had been made to go through; life in general tending to get in the way and stopping her from following through on things.

She fully intends to follow through on this, though, and holds the phone impatiently to her ear as she stifles another heavy sigh, waiting for Amanda to pick up and frowning at how long it is taking for the other woman to answer her cell.

"Hello?"

The voice is small and timid and shaky, not at all like the Amanda Rollins she is used to hearing, and Olivia's frown becomes even deeper as she listens to the noise on the other end of the line; the usual traffic and the shouts from pedestrians almost drowning out the soft hyperventilating that she is sure is also present.

"Amanda? Where are you? Were you intending on coming back to work today or have you decided that your time off has already started?" Olivia's annoyance with the situation is quickly giving way to the worry that has been churning inside her gut, as she presses the phone harder to her ear when she thinks she hears Amanda inhale a shuddering breath but no words seem to be forthcoming. "Can you answer me, please?"

"S-sorry, Liv, I'll be there soon." Amanda's mumbling reply comes down the line a moment later, along with another audible inhale of breath. "I didn't mean to take so long. I should have just come back with the guys."

"How far away are you?" Olivia asks lightly, scrubbing a fatigued hand over her face and wishing this week was over. "I can come and get you."

Amanda has gone nearly silent on the other end of the line now, the blonde detective apparently choosing not to grace her with a reply, but Olivia can still detect the occasional shaky intake of air like the younger woman is continuing to hyperventilate and trying not to let it show, and this only increases her uneasiness and exacerbates the feeling that something is wrong.

" _Amanda_. Tell me where you are right now, please." Olivia's voice is very stern and indicates that there is no room for argument in this matter, her dark eyebrows raising high in surprise when her subordinate rattles off an address that is nowhere near the station. "What are you doing all the way over there? I thought you were walking _toward_ the precinct, not away from it."

"I just needed some fresh air," Amanda murmurs with a slight catch in her tone and what sounds suspiciously like a muffled sob, and Olivia is promptly scooping her jacket up and heading toward the office door while digging through her pockets to find her keys.

"You could have gotten some fresh air on the way back to where you're supposed to be, instead of walking further away," she chastises gently, realizing that explosive anger and accusations are not the way to go right now; that Amanda needs patience and compassion in dealing with everything that has transpired since Charles Patton's arrival in New York. "Just wait right there, okay? I'm coming to get you."

Olivia ignores the concerned and questioning glances that are thrown in her direction from both Fin and Nick, holding up a hand without sparing them a look as she strides toward the elevators, something telling her that she needs to get to Amanda right away and there is no time to give an explanation to her other detectives. She keeps the younger woman on the phone with her as she hurries out into the parking lot, assuring her over and over again that it's perfectly fine for her to leave the precinct to come and pick her up, even though that couldn't be further from the truth, as the amount of open cases that are stacked up on her desk seem to be growing by the hour and there really is no time for this at all.

The last of Olivia's annoyance with the situation has melted away entirely as she gets into the car and starts the engine, Amanda curiously quiet on the other end of the line again, except for those strange noises that she is sure are stifled cries, the younger woman seemingly trying as hard as she can not to burst into tears. Olivia tries to engage Amanda in conversation as she drives as quickly as possible to her destination, but to no avail, as the only responses she receives are mumbled answers that barely resemble words. She repeatedly asks the blonde woman what is wrong and if it has anything to do with Patton, even though she knows what a ridiculous question that is, as that is obviously the issue here, but Olivia needs Amanda to start opening up and talking to her, extremely worried about the growing silence coming from the other end of the line, and that worry only ratcheting up even further when the line suddenly goes dead.

Olivia's heart is picking up the pace quite a bit now as she fumbles with her phone with the intention of calling Amanda right back, cursing sharply when she drops the device on the floor of the car and it goes skittering under the seat as she turns a corner abruptly. She tries to convince herself that Amanda didn't hang up on purpose and had probably just dropped her own phone by accident, but the persistent fear that something is very wrong continues to claw away at her mind and knows she won't rest until she can see for herself that Amanda is okay.

When Olivia gets close to the address Amanda gave her, she slows the car down to a crawl despite all the loud and obnoxious honking of horns behind her, keeping her eyes peeled for the younger woman among the crowds on the sidewalk, and expelling a deep sigh of relief when she spots her leaning against one of the buildings with her head hanging low and her hands shoved far down into the pockets of her coat. Amanda's long hair is obscuring her face, the blonde strands whipped into a small golden tornado by the chilly winter wind, and Olivia is unsure if the other woman knows that she has arrived and is choosing to ignore her, or if she is genuinely unaware of her sergeant's vehicle sitting several feet away at the curb.

Olivia opens the car door and plants one booted foot on the ground while simultaneously honking the horn to get Amanda's attention, the other woman's head immediately shooting up and fixing Olivia with what seems to be an odd combination of panic and relief and disappointment. Olivia frowns in confusion when instead of beginning to move toward the vehicle, Amanda just stands there stock-still in front of the building as if suddenly paralyzed and continuing to stare at Olivia with that strange expression on her face.

"Amanda!" Olivia gets fully out of the car now and begins making her way toward her subordinate, half expecting the small detective to bolt and make a run for it, but Amanda just remains right where she, rooted to the spot with a completely blank look overtaking everything else.

"Hey, what's going on?" Olivia asks softly when she and Amanda are standing side by side, surprising herself by reaching out to take a cold, thin hand into both of her own and briskly rubbing her palms over it to try and infuse the younger woman with some warmth, noticing that a pair of gloves are being clutched in her other hand. "Are you alright? Why did you hang up on me? And why aren't you wearing your gloves? It's freezing out here."

"Sorry, I hung up by accident" Amanda mutters in a nearly inaudible tone, her gaze lowering toward the ground as she speaks, shoving the gloves into one of her pockets. "And I guess I just got distracted after court and started walking in the opposite direction of the precinct. I didn't mean for this to happen."

"You got distracted?" Olivia says skeptically, reaching out a gentle hand to grasp Amanda under the chin and raise her head up so they are looking at each other eye to eye, her heart aching when she sees the vast amount of pain evident in those bright blue orbs, a single tear hovering on the edge of her lower lashes. "Do you want to tell me what's really going on here? I know you're upset by what happened in court today. Barba called me as soon as it was done. I know Patton just got off with a slap on the wrist but I suppose it's better than nothing at all-"

"It's fine, Olivia." Amanda's voice is flat when she interrupts, raising a hand in the air as if to ward off the rest of her boss' words and stepping out of Olivia's hold as she starts heading toward the car that is idling by the curb. "I don't want to talk about it, alright? It doesn't matter anyway."

"Why doesn't it matter?" Olivia frowns as she hurries after the younger woman, reaching out to snag one of her arms and then gasping in surprise as Amanda wrenches herself free from her grasp and whirls around with a vicious expression contorting her delicate features.

"Don't touch me like that!" she snarls in reply, Olivia's hands immediately flying up into the air and away from any other part of Amanda's body.

"Like what?" She is completely taken aback and perplexed for a moment, as she had just held Amanda's hand and touched her chin without so much as a flinch from the other woman, before realizing that she had grabbed the detective's arm when Amanda's back had been turned and she hadn't been able to see what her sergeant was doing.

"Honey, I'm so sorry," Olivia responds vehemently, the pet name slipping out before she can stop it and her tone very heartfelt, as Amanda continues to march toward the car, flinging the door open before plunking herself down into the passenger seat and crossing her arms in front of her body as if in protection from her boss.

Olivia could not possibly feel worse as she gets into the driver's seat next to her and apologizes profusely, reminding herself that she does not know all the details of what had gone on between Amanda and Patton in the past and that the younger woman may have certain triggers that she is unaware of. She sits there rigidly for a moment without making a move to direct the car back out into the traffic, internally beating herself up for behaving that way with Amanda, who is a rape victim; Olivia swallowing hard against a sudden lump inside her throat as a part of her has refused to let that sink in just yet, that one of her own is just as much a victim as the people they deal with in their cases on a daily basis, that Amanda had indeed been raped by her superior.

She leans her head back against the seat and scrubs her hands over her face as she glances over at the younger woman who has pressed herself against the inside of the car door, her face entirely averted so that Olivia is staring at the back of Amanda's blonde head. She refrains from reaching out to touch the other woman again and instead shifts slightly closer in the seat, hoping Amanda will turn back around.

"I'm sorry for what happened out there," she says very softly and sincerely, suddenly wanting nothing more than to gather the small, shaking body into her arms, Amanda huddled against the door with her shoulders hunched up to her ears and her legs tucked beneath her, looking so uncharacteristically vulnerable and broken that it breaks Olivia's heart.

"Can you please look at me, Amanda?" The request is still spoken quite softly with a just a hint of firmness detectable beneath. "I need you to talk to me and tell me what's wrong, honey. What are you doing all the way out here? Why didn't you come back to the precinct with Fin and Nick? And don't tell me you just needed some fresh air," Olivia continues when she senses that Amanda is about to give her an untruthful answer, something that she will just brush aside and hope her boss will forget about.

"I just wanted a break from everything." The reply is low and whispered and Olivia has to lean even closer to hear Amanda speak, careful that no parts of their bodies are touching while the younger woman's face is still averted.

"I can appreciate that you want a break, Amanda," she responds quietly, relieved to see the detective turning slowly in her seat so that Olivia is now looking at her subordinate's profile instead of the back of her head. "That's why I'm giving you one. But I still expected you to finish out the day with everyone else. And if you were unable to do that, you should have come to me directly or at least given me a call instead of wandering in the opposite direction of the precinct." She pauses briefly before continuing. "Now I need you to tell me what you're doing all the way over here. And if you want to talk about Patton and the trial, I will be more than happy to listen."

When Amanda shifts again in her seat and turns her body so that they are looking one another in the eye, Olivia is startled to see the utter emptiness that resides there now and seems to have obliterated anything else she had seen before; the disappointment, the panic, the pain. "Do you know that we don't have a choice?"

The frown that has been fixed on Olivia's face only pulls her eyebrows deeper together as she contemplates the other woman's question. "A choice about what?"

"About what stays with us," Amanda answers softly, a hand drifting up to her chest as she gestures toward herself. "About what lingers inside of us long after something happens; years and years after the fact. There are certain things that never fade away, no matter how hard you try; no matter how much therapy you attend or how many hobbies you take up or even if you bury yourself so far into your work that you no longer have a personal life. No matter how much distance you try to put between it and you. Even then, Olivia, it doesn't go away."

"Amanda." Olivia's voice is hushed and her hand is resting on the console between them, her fingers twitching with the need to move; to reach out and grab ahold of the younger woman and pull her against her body, despite what had just occurred outside, wanting to provide the small detective with any form of comfort that she is able. "Talk to me, sweetheart. Tell me more about what's been going on with you lately. It's been so hard, hasn't it? With Patton and Reese Taymor and the team finding out about what happened in Atlanta. I know something like that doesn't ever go away completely, but we have to find a way to come to terms with it and live with it. We need to find a way to go on, even after these terrible things happen."

Amanda is shaking her head vehemently and blinking back tears now, dragging a trembling arm across her eyes as if in an effort to stop the impending breakdown. "But I don't want to," she whispers almost inaudibly, Olivia taking a chance and pushing the console up so there are no more barriers between them.

"You don't want to what?" she asks with a certain amount of dread apparent in her tone now, moving as close as she possibly can to the other woman in the confined space of the interior of the vehicle. "You don't want to find a way to go on? Is that what you're saying?"

When Olivia is met with a wall of silence in response, and the back of Amanda's head as the detective turns away once more in her seat, she quickly ponders her options as she struggles to control her racing heart, the organ now beating much too quickly inside her chest when she considers what Amanda _isn't_ saying, a physical ache spreading throughout Olivia's body and a sheen of tears taking up residence in her own eyes. She resolves to stay as calm as she can in this situation, as she is not entirely sure what is going on just yet and needs to give Amanda a chance to keep talking and to explain exactly what she means by the things she has just said.

"You know what, Olivia, this was a mistake," the younger woman says softly but firmly, her face still turned toward the door. "I should have just left for vacation instead of going to court. I had no right to be there, anyway. And I shouldn't be here with you in your car right now. I should be somewhere else."

"Why didn't you have a right to be there?" Olivia inquires gently, so desperate to gather this broken woman into her embrace and hold her; to attempt to physically soothe away all of the sorrow and anguish that is so evident in her posture and tone and words.

"Just forget it," Amanda sighs heavily with a flippant wave of her hand, still not bothering to turn around and face her boss. "It doesn't matter anyway. Nothing matters anymore. I'm just going to go, Olivia. This was a mistake, you coming to pick me up. I should have just gone home. I'm going to go now."

"Hey, wait just a minute! You're not going anywhere," Olivia replies sternly, her arm hovering in the air as she is tempted to reach across Amanda to hold the car door shut when she sees the other woman's fingers grazing the handle. "You are staying right where you are and we're going to talk about this, Amanda."

"You can't keep me in here against my will, Olivia," the small detective snaps sharply, big blue eyes widening when her head swivels around and she sees the arm that Olivia has yet to lower, apparently coming to the conclusion that her boss is going to touch her again or she is not going to let her out of the car.

"Amanda, just calm down-" Olivia starts to soothe, intent on assuring the frightened woman that they are just going to have a little chat about things, but Amanda jerks her body so violently in an effort to escape the vehicle that her scarf goes flying up into her face and her gloves tumble out of the pocket of her winter coat, along with a small clear bottle packed with colorful pills that go scattering all over the seats, a plastic lid that was improperly secured slipping onto the floor.

Olivia hears Amanda's loud gasp in response and watches as the younger woman scrambles to pick up all of the pills, as if she can whisk them away from her sergeant's sight before she realizes they are there, like Olivia hadn't just witnessed them exploding all over the interior of the car and raining down in a bright rainbow of medication.

"Jesus, Amanda, what is all this?" Olivia puts a hand out to try and stop the other woman's frantic movements, listening to the detective's stifled cries and gasps of air as she hurriedly tries to pluck each and every pill up off the seats and the floor, her brain whirling fearfully with her colleague's earlier disturbing remarks and wary of her dramatic reaction to the spilled tablets. "Amanda, what the _hell_ is this?"

The younger woman's frenzied actions come to a complete halt at the sharp, stern bark of Olivia's voice and they stare intently at each other, brown eyes boring into blue without either one of them blinking, Amanda looking remarkably like a deer caught in the headlights before all of the fight seems to drain right out of her and she sinks back against her seat with a weary sigh, speaking in a whispered tone after a brief pause.

"I just wanted to make it stop."

Olivia's hand is squeezing the other woman's arm very urgently now as stares intensely at Amanda's stricken face, all color having leached from her pale complexion and the quivering of her small body very pronounced. "Make _what_ stop?" she asks carefully, that dread blooming inside once again when she hears Amanda's answer.

"Everything."

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 _*Song lyrics by Florence and the Machine's "No Light, No Light"_


	2. Chapter 2

**This story is just a short two-shot, so this will be the final chapter. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!**

 _ **MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS: Another reminder that this story deals with the discussion of suicide and the aftermath of rape, so please keep this in mind before reading any further, if these subject matters are a trigger for you**_ **.**

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The single word that Amanda has just uttered in such a broken and defeated tone, is ringing repeatedly in Olivia's ears, so much meaning packed into such a simple comment that it sends a sharp shiver of fear down her spine; terrified for the woman who is slumped beside her in the depths of such despair, dozens of brightly colored pills spread out over both of their laps and scattered across the floor of the car.

"Amanda, what were you planning on doing with all of this medication?" Olivia inquires with a quiet urgency in her tone as she gazes down at the brilliant rainbow of tablets laid out before them, choosing to ask a question she already knows the answer to but needing to hear it in Amanda's own words.

"I didn't want it to be violent," the blonde detective mumbles under her breath, her face turned away from her superior once again, and this time Olivia feels chilled right down to the bone at her colleague's foreboding statement. "I thought about using my gun but I didn't want it to be violent or messy. I don't want to be any more trouble for anyone because that's all I've ever been."

Olivia is struck entirely mute for a moment before she suddenly finds her voice again, her heart pounding erratically inside her chest and beads of sweat blooming across her forehead despite the chilly winter air, that sense of urgency and terror only spiking higher as she tries to get ahold of her rampant panic. "This _is_ violent, Amanda!" she gasps out, torn between reaching across the seat and roughly grabbing the other woman to shake some sense into her, and pulling this broken human being into her warm and tender embrace and never letting go, ensuring that the detective will not be able to follow through with something that she will never be able to come back from.

"You are intending on doing bodily harm to yourself that will likely result in death," Olivia continues in a stern tone that is uttered through a clenched jaw and gritted teeth, knowing that she needs to calm herself down and be Amanda's anchor right now; someone strong and supportive to lean on and someone who will listen without judgment, but her intense fear of the younger woman's calculated actions is getting the better of her and she is having trouble reigning in her spiraling emotions. "Anything like this is considered to be violent, Amanda. Please tell me that you're capable of understanding that. Do you think it would be any less difficult for your family and your team members if you used pills instead of a gun, when the end result would be the exact same thing?"

"Why would it be difficult?" Amanda's voice is flat and almost inaudible, her face still averted and pale hands laying limply on top of her lap now, instead of scrambling madly to pick up the spilled tablets like she had been doing only a moment prior.

"What do you mean?" Olivia replies in a softer tone, her heart aching in her chest at the smaller woman's despondent question, the desperate need to wrap Amanda up in her arms overtaking the urge to shake some sense into her.

"I just don't understand why it would be so difficult for everyone," Amanda continues dully, betraying no emotion whatsoever as she speaks. "My family is a complete train wreck and you and the guys are just my co-workers. It's not like any of us are especially close; it's not like we're friends. And I've never been anything but trouble for you, anyway. So what's the big deal? Why do you even care?"

" _Amanda."_ Olivia is completely aghast at this heartbreaking inquiry and how little the blonde detective seems to think that she means to everyone around her; horrified to find her eyes rapidly welling with tears and glad that the other woman is turned away from her for the time being, as Amanda does not need to witness her sergeant breaking down at such a crucial stage in their conversation. "Why would you say something like that, honey? I know we've had our differences over the years, but to think that I wouldn't even care if you did something like this..."

Olivia's voice trails off as she feels her throat quickly closing up and rendering her momentarily unable to speak, and she knows that she is on the verge of bursting into tears, blinking repeatedly to keep them at bay and swiping her fingertips impatiently beneath her eyes. It only becomes harder to hold her raging emotions inside when Amanda finally turns toward her and puts the console back down between them before laying her head upon it as if she doesn't have the energy to remain upright in her seat anymore, a waterfall of long blonde hair spilling onto Olivia's forearm.

"Oh, sweetheart." She finds herself at a complete loss for words once more, unable to think of something to say that will alleviate Amanda's deep anguish or anything else that will even come close to being an acceptable response in the face of the other woman's intense pain, hesitantly raising an arm to begin stroking lightly through golden tresses that are stiff with cold from Amanda's time spent outside in the winter chill.

Olivia had resolved not to make the same mistake by touching the small detective again when Amanda was not looking right at her, but her hand seems to have a mind of its own as it moves unconsciously over the other woman's head, fingers tenderly untangling strands that are windblown and knotted, desperate to provide at least some form of comfort. Since speech is not coming very easily to her right now, shocked into silence by Amanda's torment and ashamed that she had not seen how bad things were becoming for her detective, the only way that Olivia feels she is able to give comfort is through gentle physical touch, relieved when the younger woman doesn't either flinch or pull away or snarl at her in reply this time.

There is dead silence inside the vehicle for several minutes and the longer they sit there without speaking, the more Olivia is convinced that Amanda is going to follow through with her plan if they do not talk about this and get everything out into the open; if she doesn't get immediate medical attention for her colleague or if she lets the other woman out of her sight for even a split second of time. With that thought firmly in mind, she reluctantly removes her fingers from Amanda's hair and plants both hands on the steering wheel with the intention of easing the car back out into the heavy flow of traffic.

"Where are we going?" There is instant panic laced throughout Amanda's voice and actions as the detective springs back into an upright position in her seat, Olivia surprised to find small, icy fingers clutching desperately onto her forearm, the detached and melancholy mood that the younger woman had fallen into immediately obliterated with the movement of the vehicle.

"Just relax," Olivia soothes quietly, taking one hand off the steering wheel to briefly thread her fingers through Amanda's and give them a tight squeeze. "We're just going somewhere more private to talk, okay? I just want to get away from all of this noise and congestion. There are too many people and cars out here. I can barely hear myself think."

She knows of a little park not too far away from their current location, a place where she and Fin had chased and cornered a suspect a few months previous, and Olivia directs the car toward the tiny space that she hopes will be deserted at this time of year. She notes with no small amount of alarm and distress that Amanda has now pulled away from her touch and is pressing herself very hard against the passenger side door as if the younger woman is attempting to escape from the moving vehicle. She keeps this uneasy thought at the forefront of her brain and is ready to lunge sideways at a second's notice if Amanda makes any kind of move to open the car door while they are still in motion.

"It's going to be okay, sweetheart," she whispers gently as she maneuvers the vehicle into the thankfully empty parking lot that is nothing more than a minuscule strip of gravel covered in a light layer of snow and slush, a couple of nearby rickety benches sitting haphazardly underneath large trees that have had their leaves stripped entirely bare for the winter. "We're just going to continue our conversation, alright? I just want to talk to you, Amanda."

The exact moment that the vehicle comes to a halt and the engine is turned off, Amanda is making a frantic break for it, yanking the car door open with enough force to practically rip it right from the hinges and scrambling anxiously into the chilly air. She doesn't make it very far, however; slipping immediately on the ice and tumbling in a heap onto the filthy ground just outside the vehicle, Olivia jumping out of her seat and racing around to the other side of the car while loudly calling Amanda's name.

Upon rounding the front of the vehicle, she finds the other woman collapsed into a distraught lump on the snowy gravel amid a scattering of pills that must have fallen with her, dirt smeared across her stylish jacket and limbs tangled awkwardly together, her mouth open in a noiseless sob as silent tears run in rivulets down her flushed cheeks. Olivia is instantly on her knees beside the small, quaking form of her co-worker, gathering the blonde detective into her arms and pulling Amanda flush against her body, holding onto her tightly while the younger woman writhes and moans in emotional agony, struggling mightily in her sergeant's embrace before sagging against her in complete exhaustion, apparently worn out from her attempted escape back onto the cold streets of New York.

Olivia rocks the broken pieces of Amanda in her arms while she waits for the other woman to settle down, realizing that Amanda's hands are clutching hysterically onto the front of her coat, grabbing fistfuls of the material and twisting them hard between her fingers before her arms slide around Olivia's waist and her face is pushing roughly into her neck. She can feel the detective's tears wetting her skin and once again has to blink in rapid succession to keep her own tears from bursting forth in an intense display of emotion that Amanda certainly doesn't need right now, pulling her colleague's violently trembling body impossibly closer to her so that they are sitting entwined together on the freezing, filthy ground.

"I've got you, honey, I've got you," Olivia murmurs into Amanda's shoulder, their faces pressed into the collars of one another's jackets, the enormity of her co-worker's immense pain enough to knock the breath right from her lungs and feeling like that pain is transferring from Amanda's body into her own, soaking it up like a sponge and squeezing her eyes shut at the ferocity of it.

"I hate myself."

The words that are suddenly spoken into her ear are so soft that Olivia almost misses them over the distant roar of the traffic that she had been trying to get away from, just needing a quiet place where she could be alone with Amanda and try to help her figure things out. Her heart aches deeply at this hopeless admission and her arms tighten around the small body in her lap, Amanda now leaning very heavily against her chest like her sergeant is the only thing that is holding her up, the severe emotional breakdown seemingly trying to push her right into the ground.

"Why do you hate yourself?" Olivia asks very gently, inclining her head down to try and catch a glimpse of Amanda's tortured expression.

"Because I'm a coward," the younger woman mutters in disgust, lifting her face away from Olivia's neck and leaning back slightly to look her right in the eye, those wide blue orbs leaking a river of tears. "I've always known that I was; ever since I let Patton take advantage of me and decided to just shut up about it, even when I knew that he was likely doing the same thing to other women who were in a vulnerable position."

She pauses briefly and lets out a small whimper of despair. "And now everyone else knows it too. My biggest secrets are out in the open. Not only did my deputy chief rape me but he went on to do it again to someone else. And I just kept quiet about it the whole time. I had absolutely no right to be there in that courtroom today when I didn't even have the courage to tell someone what had happened to me; to get up on the stand years ago and testify against him in Atlanta."

Her voice breaks on a prolonged sob that is followed by a shuddering intake of breath. "I can't live with myself anymore, Olivia. The embarrassment, the shame, the regret...it's just too much. I can't live with these thoughts inside my head. They torture me. I barely sleep and I can hardly eat. I don't do anything besides work because it's the only thing that distracts me for even the tiniest amount of time. I thought that taking a vacation might help things, but I just want to be done with everything now, Liv. I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to be gone."

Amanda's head is bowed down now, her face pressed up against her boss' collarbone as if trying to hide herself from the wrath of her superior's judgment while Olivia sits there in stunned and stricken silence, trying to absorb everything the blonde detective has just divulged to her and unable to remember a time when she has been so frequently and effectively lost for words. The supreme effort she has been making at holding back her tears ends in complete failure as they come streaming over her cheeks to drip off her chin into Amanda's tousled long hair, wracked with guilt and regret for not seeing this sooner; for not realizing just how close to the edge her subordinate was teetering.

"Did you come all the way out here to take those pills?" Olivia finally whispers in a voice that is so choked with tears, she can barely understand her own words. "Is that why you didn't come back to the precinct with Fin and Nick? You walked in the opposite direction so you could end your life?"

Amanda has leaned slightly away from her again and is gazing up at with a wrinkled frown and big blue eyes that are full of confusion, her hand raising slowly into the air and hovering in front of Olivia's face, as if perplexed to see her sergeant's tears and in disbelief that her boss would actually cry over her. Olivia's eyelids flutter closed when she feels the younger woman gently wiping the moisture away from her cheeks and this only makes the tears come harder for a moment before she opens her eyes and they are starting intently at one another, the air around them seemingly electric with tension and sorrow.

"I wasn't planning on doing it until later," Amanda finally confesses in a whispered tone that sounds somewhat breathless, despite the fact that she is sitting still. "I was going to go home tonight and drop Frannie off with my next door neighbor and then just...go to sleep. I was going to wash the pills down with some vodka...with the intention of never waking up again."

Olivia's face crumples with this heartbreaking admission and she has to fight very hard to hold back another round of tears that are threatening once more, pressing a hand over her mouth to stop a loud sob from emitting between her lips.

"But after court today, I decided that I couldn't wait any longer," Amanda continues quietly, the twin trails of moisture that are trickling down her cheeks matching Olivia's own. "I just started walking and tried really hard to clear my head; to talk myself down from what I was about to do. But the more I walked, the more I thought about things; the more I thought about Patton just getting a slap on the wrist when he should be rotting in prison for the rest of his life. And how I was sitting right near the woman who was brave enough to get up on the stand; who would never have had to go through all of this in the first place if I had just put a stop to it back in Atlanta."

Amanda pauses to inhale a deep and ragged breath. "I've been carrying the pills around in my pocket for the past few days because they make me feel...better, somehow. Like I have the power to make things stop whenever I want to; like I have some control over the situation. And I couldn't stop holding onto the bottle while I was walking; I couldn't keep my hand off of it. I didn't even care where I was anymore; whether I was in a private or public place. I was just going to start popping them until I couldn't walk anymore, until I just had to lay down on the ground and close my eyes..."

"Is that why you had no gloves on and you seemed so out of it when I came to pick you up?" Olivia questions gently, placing a hand on the side of Amanda's cheek and stroking her thumb lightly back and forth while she speaks, peering urgently into the other woman's eyes to see if she can spot anything that appears physically abnormal, like a glassy stare or a constricting or dilation of the pupils. "And the lid was loose when the bottle fell out of your pocket in the car? Because you were already taking them?"

"I was about to," Amanda murmurs shamefully as her gaze strays away from Olivia's. "But you pulled up to the curb before I could take the first one."

Olivia blows out a huge lungful of air that she hadn't realized she was holding, the wave of relief that washes over her so all-consuming that she practically slides to the ground in a boneless heap from the force of it. "Oh, thank god," she breathes, grabbing Amanda tightly and pulling her back against her chest with enough strength to make the younger woman gasp. "I'm going to help you, sweetheart, okay? We're going to go to the hospital right now and get you some help."

"Nooo," Amanda moans into her shoulder, struggling briefly in Olivia's embrace before sagging wearily into her body once again, as if she is just too exhausted to fight anymore. "I don't want any help, Liv. Please just leave me alone."

"I am _not_ leaving you alone," Olivia replies fiercely, grasping onto the blonde detective's shoulders and holding Amanda at arm's length so that they are eye to eye and gazing intensely at each other. "Not now, not ever; do you hear me? You will never be alone again, I promise you that. I'm here, Amanda. I'm here for you, okay?"

"But I don't...deserve your help," Amanda protests in a weak tone of voice, as if she is making a supreme effort just to get the words out now. "I don't deserve anything from anyone."

"Oh sweetheart, I am _so_ sorry," Olivia answers vehemently as she breaks into tears again, unable to keep her emotions inside during all of this turmoil and upheaval. "I'm so sorry that I didn't realize what was happening with you. I ended up almost losing you when I should have been looking out for you, like a sergeant is supposed to do for her detective. And like a friend should do for another friend," she adds with softly spoken honesty. "This is on me, Amanda."

"No, it's not, Olivia," the younger woman mumbles in disagreement, dragging an arm over her face as she lets out a quiet sniffle. "This is not on you at all. Everything is my own fault."

"Nothing that happened with Patton was your fault, honey," Olivia responds fervently, desperate for Amanda to believe what she is saying. "He took advantage of you when you were in a bad situation and he was in a position of authority. This is what men like him do; they prey on people who are vulnerable, people who they believe to be weaker than themselves."

"But I should have said something," Amanda whispers brokenly, the younger woman looking so small and anguished that Olivia is instantly gathering her shaking colleague back into her embrace and rocking her gently back and forth, aware that they need to get up from the freezing cold and filthy ground and start heading to the hospital, but unable to separate herself from Amanda for the short length of time it will take to get back into the car.

"This is _not_ your fault," she repeats tenderly, her tears mingling with Amanda's as she presses her cheek lightly against the other woman's and lets out a trembling breath of air. "I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but there is light at the end of this dark tunnel, Amanda. There is hope." Olivia lays a soft kiss against the blonde detective's temple before continuing to speak in a sincere and heartfelt tone, needing her to know just how truthful she is with her next words.

"And I'm going to help you find it."


End file.
